redux: tori amos

jess, my editor at popwreckoning, asked me if i had any live shots of tori. i knew i had some unedited stuff that i took back in philly in 2007, but it was with a kit lens (the horror!), before i knew anything about how to work my camera, and while i was still sneaking my camera into venues by pulling the lens off and shoving it in between my tits. surprisingly, i had some really good stuff. check it:

some more things:

1. i'm confirmed to shoot austin city limits for STEREOGUM (!!!) this year. lineup highlights: andrew bird, the decemberists, bon iver, the raveonettes (again), b-52s, girl talk, and passion pit. oh, and dave matthews band, which will please katie. i have good memories of last year's fest, even though i missed out on a full day due to the worst hangover of life AND even though they only gave me a media pass (which denied me access to the photo pits). i got to hang with my BFFs! i got to meet tegan quin! anyway, it'll be a welcome vacation; though i have to say, the only places i've gone this year are places i consider home. texas falls within that category too.

2. i'm confirmed and prepping to shoot all points west in two weeks. lineup highlights: yyy, the national, fleet foxes, tool, neko case, crystal castles, the ting tings, mgmt, st. vincent, echo and the bunnymen, lykke li, and janeane garofalo. coldplay is headlining, but they can go fuck themselves. trying to line up some interviews. wish me luck.

3. i wanted to start a photo project based on the groupies of yore, but it seems there's either little interest or, in the case of cynthia plaster caster, just plain ridiculousness. she's the only one who's written back so far, and she informed me today that she charges to sit for photos and interviews. i'm sorry, what? i've also e-mailed pamela des barres, cassandra peterson (better known as elvira), bebe buell (liv tyler's mom), catherine james, and tura satana. tura and cassandra were both elvis groupies. tura also got down with dean martin and old blue eyes.

4. spending a lot of time thinking about the value of art. more specifically, photography. more specifically, MY photography. i've spent more on my photo equipment than i've spent on cars. i put out WAY more than i get back. i know it's a saturated market now that anyone can get their hands on decent photographic equipment, but you can't buy talent. i know i still have a lot to learn, but i'm not exactly an amateur, either.

5. i'll be seeing tori three times next month (i'll be shooting her in philly, but not nyc or nj), even though this new album is a piece of shit. i honestly can't believe i went out and bought it. that's how much i hate it. she's just regressed so much over the past several years. i can't connect to her art anymore. it doesn't move me. i'm having pangs of guilt and nostalgia--how do you just disconnect from an artist who was so influential on your life for over a decade?

these days, i'm much more inclined to name amanda palmer as my primary rolemodel, but as of late, i'm even questioning that. she stands for a lot of things, doesn't take herself too seriously, is prolific in the amount of art she generates across mediums, but she's adopted a new business model that makes me itch. it all feels really exploitative. for a price, you can hang out with your favorite rockstar! i mean, it's interesting in terms of its difference from successful musician x's business model. it's getting a lot of press. but as a fan who's spent years doing the whole wait-in-uncomfortable-conditions-for-hours/lurk-outside-of-tour-buses-to-meet-favorite-rockstar(s)-and-then-get-a-picture/signature/hug, it just seems really inauthentic. conversely, maybe my experience as a music journalist/photographer makes these people too accessible to me. i don't know.

i also take issue with the fact that i was recently asked to provide the AFP camp with high resolution copies of ALL photos i've taken of her over the past couple of years, including terms of usage. given item four on this list, my current terms of usage would probably look like this: NO DICE UNLESS YOU FORK OVER THE DOLLARS. seriously, guys? you make music and want money, even if it's just a dollar or two. i make photos and want money, too. not only do my photos look nice, but they get you press, which gets you dollars. it's a cycle, see? i'm an artist too. two to tango, etc.

6. i'm no longer in therapy because my insurance company decided five sessions in that they're charging me a co-pay, even after i spoke to them on the phone several times BEFORE i went into treatment and confirmed my coverage. it's a cheap co-pay, but because i got the bill so late, things have added up. since i felt my therapist was useless anyway, i'm feeling pretty resentful about the whole situation. having done further research on therapists who DO take my insurance, the outlook is bleak. luckily, i'm not nearly as crazy these days as i was three or four years ago and i can keep that shit in check.

7. even though i'm likely signing another two years of my life away to this great city, i think a lot about where i'll go when i decide my time here is up. i'd like to live just outside a major metropolitan area with a progressive music/art scene so i can continue to do what i do best. i'd like to be able to have a car again. i'd like mild weather--not too hot, not too rainy, and i'd like to not want to commit suicide in the winter. i have the following options in mind, but none of them fit my intended requirements: austin, portland, seattle. the idea of LA has been charming me a lot lately too, but i feel like it would just be a lot like home plus lots of celebrities who aren't hulk hogan or oj simpson.

8. my best friend will be here from 8/2-8/5. i haven't seen her since her wedding last year this time, which was not the most pleasant experience of my life. it'll be nice to have her to myself for a couple of days. i miss how we were as teenagers.

9. here are a couple of shots from the matt and kim show at pier 54 on the hudson last week. it was a good time.

some things:

1. she's chasing happiness and i'm running from fear. i think we're both on the losing end of our personal battles, but i have faith that we'll figure it all out.
2. siren is this weekend. the raveonettes! coney island! i haven't been to coney island since i shot siren last year. i wonder how it'll look without astroland, but i'm excited for katie to see it.
3. katie goes to boston to see her parents next week. what will i do with three days alone? someone play with me!
4. second session on the owl half-sleeve next friday.
5. at the risk of saying too much, i'd like to point out that, while i like our new apartment, i'm irritated that i asked certain questions, was given answers that didn't hold up, and now our rent is going to go up about two hundred bucks a month (to $1400). oh, and we're getting pushed into a two year lease. it's still a good deal, but it's the principal of the thing.
6. i really want to do a photo PROJECT. documentary style. i'm having commitment issues, though.
7. i really miss my PC. my entire music collection was on it, and pandora is doing me little good lately.
8. tiredtiredtired of being broke. i feel like i'm busting my ass and chasing my tail.
9. i really want a new camera body. while i love my new wide angle lens, i'm kicking myself for not investing in what i'd PLANNED on investing in.
10. katie took a bath last night and i took some pictures. in retrospect, it looks like i need to go back and edit the color of that water.

me? i'm a creator.

i'm itchy, both literally and figuratively.

literally because i feel like i'm going to gnaw my arm off at the shoulder if it doesn't stop itching soon and i can't scratch it. why did i think getting the entire upper half of my arm tattooed would be a good idea?

figuratively because i have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO, but i don't have enough money, get overwhelmed by the organization that's required to get them done, or don't know where to begin. you know: excuses. i figure the time will come for all of these things. i'd like to paint the apartment, order/frame prints and, you know, have things hanging on our walls. i'd like to put together a photo book (or several). i'd like to get my website re-design finished. i'd like to have a physical catalog of all of my photo work. i'd like to take some photo classes to learn things i don't know yet. i'd like to have a gallery show. i'd like to get my pc running again so i have access to my music collection.

clearly, my life is very difficult. pity me.

and our bruises are a-comin', but we will never fold

today was a good day to be feelin' a little free. we saw jenny lewis in battery park (highlight: a solo, acoustic version of "silver lining") and then we hit a rooftop party on the lower east side. i'd say more, but i'm tired and the pictures will probably do an okay job.

girl in a coma

here are a couple shots from the show at highline on 6/19/09:

now i have to perfect my owl sounds

i know you're all just chomping at the bit to see how it went last night. luckily, i made sure katie brought my camera to document. here's what i looked like during prep and then when we took a break:






i sat for a little under two hours. there's a bit more detail now, but we haven't really taken any photos yet. my arm is ANGRY! i'll make sure to get some before it gets all nasssty. i have another appointment in three weeks and one a month after that, so this will be a constant process.

here's a shot from my macbook after we got home last night and i started to feel sick:


here are some photos of me and the old ball-and-chain at a pride party i shot on sunday night:




i should note that i'm reading take another little piece of my heart: a groupie grows up by pamela des barres. it's the sequel to i'm with the band and, while she's a shitty writer, it's really fun to read a personal account of the heavy duty days of rock and roll. to a certain extent, living the life i do, i can identify with it. i just don't bone the rockstars, and she definitely did. jim morrison, jimmy page, and makeouts with mick jagger? she wins. i have another of her books on the pile at home and then i'll move on to dandelion by catherine james, who was another groupie. anyone sensing a theme here?

gray. quiet and tired and mean, picking at a worried seam

exactly three years to the day that this misguided, unfinished half-sleeve saw it's beginning, it will be laid to rest. wearing your heart on your sleeve and your history in your skin is one thing, but when the history behind a long-broken heart seeps into a much-improved daily existence, you have to learn to let go.

and so i am. it hurts too much not to.

late this afternoon, adam hays will begin the long process of covering this mess up. i'm not giving anything away. you'll just have to wait and see. i'm feeling a lot of things: ambivalence seems to be at the core of it. sadness and excitement make for an odd mix.

take a look at yourself, then make a change

the king of pop died today. here's what things looked like outside the apollo theater in harlem at about 11 pm:

it was so easy and the words so sweet

i did something last week that set me back a good ways in my attempts to diffuse my anger from my last relationship. i spent all week thinking about it, prepping to present it to my therapist, only to leave her office post-appointment feeling no closer to a solution. i'm trying to be patient. it's been a long time since i immersed myself in the process of therapy, but i never really had a particular goal before. i don't feel like this woman and i are on a common wavelength. i feel like the questions she asks me are misguided and off-point and i don't want to hear theories involving my subconscious because i think it's a crock. i'm trying to suss out how many sessions is a proper evaluative period on either end and whether i should start hunting for a new therapist. i wish it wasn't so hard to find a therapist who takes my insurance (which is really fucking good insurance, but the fact that it originates out of california seems to be a problem) and who also makes information about their approaches to their practice available for possible clients. boo.

i'm also really frustrated on a professional level. i have a job which pays me alright, is in an industry i love, but bores me to tears. i have a "hobby" which gets me a good amount of exposure and plenty of connections, but no cash. i meet people who shoot for massive stock photo companies who get paid for uninspired, technically shitty photos. i meet people who are GOOD but who make their cash on headshots or weddings. i guess there's always a compromise, i just wish i had options that would allow me to also make a living on the thing that i'm good at. sometimes i feel like i'm banging my head against a wall. i think the fact that i'm not business-minded in the slightest is a big factor, too. i'm not sure yet how to approach that particular issue, but i'm working on the idea that all good things come with time.

anyway, still having fun with the new lens:




ps: the new regina spektor album comes out tomorrow and it's fantastic. get it.

somebunny got a new toy!

okay, so i may or may not have blown half my paycheck on a new, super wide angle lens. it's a tokina 11-16mm f/2.8. i got it from a dude on craigslist for about $75 below list. even better: this lens is a BITCH to get ahold of. it's backordered everywhere.

except for here BECAUSE IT'S MINE.


this is literally the first shot i took with the lens. the dude was standing with me, and i just sort of half-assed my settings and didn't really compose the shot, but i like it anyway.

i took this one a couple hours later when we were walking the dog. our bedroom overlooks this alley. the window is right by the fire escape.




these are the products of katie's efforts at the helm of the great cammurabi (yes, i named my camera cammurabi).

i can't wait to shoot a show with this bad boy, but i have to deal with that whole learning curve thing first.

we go hard

instead of shooting deer tick and jenny lewis last week, i got last minute tickets to see santigold off of craigslist. katie loves santi, so it was an anniversary gift. i also set myself up with a photo pass. it was a tough shoot--made me realize i'm out of practice shooting in venues with actual pits and time limits. it humbled me a little.


amanda blank's light-up pants




i don't really LOVE any of the shots, but they're acceptable. one thing that did make me realize that maybe i'm a little hard on myself is the following: i got an e-mail from amanda blank last night. it said that she and santi loved my photos, which was some really nice validation. we exchanged a couple of messages, talked a bit about the power of these here internets and how lady photographers understand how lady artists want to be portrayed by the big, bad media machine.

anyway, some more photos from the show: click!

and this is where the words go that tell you what this entry is about, except these particular words don't at all

Untitled, 6/10/09

But I do feel an absence here.

A little bit of something dropped from 30,000 feet on that last trip up, maybe
somewhere over the Carolinas or down in the Blue Ridge mountains. Maybe
I’m being a pessimist and maybe it wasn’t that long ago at all. Maybe you left it
in a drawer in your office under to-do lists and folders numbered
based on priority. Maybe it’s in the freezer in one of the half-empty
ice cube trays. Maybe it’s in your oversized purse—could be anything in there.

You’ll say that it’s me, that I misplace things and maybe I set it down
with the set of house keys I lost weeks ago or threw it in the trash
on 52nd and 10th with my coffee when I stopped to snap a shot
of that bird with the french fry gripped firmly in its beak for all of my followers
on Twitter to see. Maybe I did.

Maybe I left it in my old room, in the closet there, hanging from a hook.
I could have left it on the bus, like I left my phone that one time in January
when I left work in the middle of the afternoon because I was tired
and got off a stop early for fresh cookies from the bakery. We’d been exchanging
dirty text messages and I’ll bet whoever ended up with the phone
got a mighty kick out of that.

Maybe we didn’t lose it at all.

I imagine it on vacation--my kind of vacation: last minute, unplanned,
wholly random. On a bus traversing the corn fields of Nebraska
with a notebook, a camera, and some music.
Three days away from home. Three days of quiet.
It will meet its destination, look around, and come back to us,
but it will not take the same route.

And when it does, we’ll stop what we’re doing.
Your dark eyes will find my lighter ones,
and we’ll know just where to find it.

viewfinders

quickly: i'm today's featured photographer on viewfinders. check it.

blue, the color of our planet from far, far away

someone asked me last night why lesbians love amanda palmer. i didn't realize that lesbians in particular had an affinity for her, but i do know she's a damn good role model. she's passionate, articulate, intuitive, and real. she stands for something--many things. she might be a little (okay, a lot) fucking weird, but at least she knows that. she doesn't take herself too seriously and she wants to make the world a better place. even better: she's an accessible role model, which is a nice perk.




1. the entire set of photos up on brooklynvegan.
2. that second photo? that's a pretty accurate representation of what i had to deal with for the duration of the show. it was the second time in as many weeks that i felt really embarrassed to be associated with my peers (the first was at the recent girl talk show). when i shoot, i try to be cognizant of the people around me--i want to get the shot, but in most cases, i'm on assignment and haven't paid for my ticket(s), so i try not have a false sense of entitlement about the whole thing.

like, you know, when i shoot, i try to make sure my elbows aren't in people's faces, my camera isn't in their line of sight for EVERY song (we're really only supposed to shoot the first three songs, anyway), and a lot of the time, i try to stoop down a bit because i'm sorta tall for a girl. i don't usually push past people to GET THE SHOT, and if i ask to, i won't stay the entire time.

the girl in the photo above was RUDE as she pushed past me, even though i said NO to her and showed her my photo pass. then, she said she'd only stay for a few songs during the opening act, but stayed for THE ENTIRE SHOW. cunt. i'm dying to find out who she is, as it's usually pretty easy to figure those sorts of things out here.

that particular idiot was annoying more than anything, but when it comes to the girl talk show, i left simultaneously wanting to cry and hit people. there were two "photographers" there who were downright violent in their approach. one of them, paul birman, was shooting for brooklynvegan. i'd never met him before, but somehow i knew. you can almost always tell a BV shooter from anyone else by their technique--i have no idea why.

anyway, i'd been watching him shoot the opener and was interested in seeing his photos (i should point out that i didn't have my camera with me that evening). then, when girl talk came onstage, things got a little rowdy. katie and i were dead center in front of gillis (GT)--so much so that he kept grabbing me and shit. at some point, this birman guy tried to elbow katie out of his way. he made me so fucking angry i almost hit him. i e-mailed him later, once i found out who he was, to tell him he was a douche, and i got a typical douche response. in a second e-mail (neither of which i responded to, if i remember), he said he'd like to smooth things over and that, at the show, he'd said excuse me, but i must not have heard him. seriously? elbowing two chicks in the front of the crowd does not an excuse me make, sir. the second photographer who pissed me off isn't really worth mentioning. she was just an asshole.

my point is that getting the shot isn't worth all that. part of the charm of concert photography is trying to get the job done by being inconspicuous (unless there's a photo pit) and blending in with the crowd. we get a lot of cool perks that others don't, so it's easy to take it too far, but i'm beginning to think a lot of us need to do some re-evaluating. myself included.

whatever. remember how i mentioned that i shot the bangles and that suzanna hoffs is still hot? check it:








i was supposed to shoot deer tick and jenny lewis tomorrow night, but deer tick's web pr people are dicks. they confirmed me well over a month ago, but suddenly only have ten list spots. idiots.

but god can be funny at a cocktail party when listening to a good god-themed joke

some photos of amanda palmer & neil gaiman. did you know they were dating? i didn't. with as closely as i follow amanda, this should have occurred to me, but it didn't. whatever. amanda's dating the sandman. she wins.





i really, really need to learn about color correction. it's a downfall of mine. my colors rarely pop, and if they do, it's too much. my skin tones are always off, my blacks aren't deep enough, and oftentimes, the color just looks drab. HOW DO I FIX IT? i'm sure it's partially a need for monitor calibration, but my 'eye' needs a lot of help, too.

--

something i wrote in my journal that got me thinking:

the other night, she told me she loved how much i love her. it's been in my head for days. i didn't want to forget that, at some point, someone recognized my love as something other than a burden or an embarrassment.

i can't tell if it's an astute observation or if i'm throwing a pity party for one.

play your part

shot girl talk last thursday. i have a lot of things to say about that show, but given my penchant for quiet lately, i'm not sure if they'll ever actually get said in this venue. anyway, here's a shot of greg gillis's shoe:



i won tickets to the show through a photo contest SPIN sponsored. i decided taking my camera would probably be a bad idea, and i was right, but i had katie's old point and shoot with me. i was right up front. the photos would have been beautiful. sadly, this is the only acceptable shot i got with the point and shoot.

i shot the bangles (!!!) on sunday and i'm confirmed to shoot amanda palmer & neil gaiman at tomorrow night's housingworks benefit, in addition to amanda's show on friday. oh, and melissa ferrick on saturday. on the seventh day i will rest.

rinse, repeat. not complaining.

updated updateyness

so, i guess the first thing i should mention is that i now officially live in manhattan. we got a pretty big apartment way up in washington heights (practically connecticut, according to nikki). aside from some terrible choices in paint color, which can be easily remedied, it's a pretty sweet deal. the place is rent-controlled and it's a long-term sublet from a friend with a great price tag which is all-inclusive. we win. it should also be mentioned that we totally u-hauled our lives together on our five month anniversary.

now i'll tell you how we got there, because it happened much faster than i'd expected.

the whole story is ridiculous and convoluted, but suffice it to say that the roommate situation deteriorated. they wanted katie to contribute financially since she ended up staying far longer than intended, which would have been fine if they hadn't started coming up with arbitrary figures. there was no logic behind anything they asked of us. their reasoning for WANTING money was fine, but everything else was completely skewed.

i tried multiple times to communicate, and was met with hostility by one roommate, complete apathy by another, and two-faced, backhanded bullshit by the one who communicated regularly. in the end, they tried to force katie to give them an amount of money no one had ever suggested or otherwise discussed. not only did they do so, but the first we heard of it was in an e-mail to a potential subletter which we were both copied in on. by that point, we were both done. they'd pushed every single button either of us have, and we began to feel threatened.

in a stroke of luck, we came upon our new apartment on tuesday afternoon, when i e-mailed a close friend asking for his help moving sometime in the near future. when he asked where to, i mentioned that i didn't know, but that it was happening. he offered, we checked it out, and that was that.

when things came to a head yesterday and my roommate threatened to take what katie "owes" out of my deposit, i realized we both had very different plans for finding a future tenant for my room and acquiring the deposit (as the person previously responsible for the room usually takes care of finding a replacement and the replacement pays the deposit directly to the previous tenant. the landlord is so hands-off about the whole deal that he never sees the deposit). at that point, i dropped all attempts at civility, told her to go fuck herself, told my boss i had an emergency situation, proceeded to rent a u-haul van, and packed my shit.

i also snatched up the rent check i'd written for june. my intent was to pay june's rent, find a subletter, and just pro-rate the rent for them. since there was a clear miscommunication there, i started to feel as if i'd never see the rest of my deposit at all, so i shredded my rent check. the deposit covers the cost of rent plus what katie "owes," but falls short exactly $2.50, so i went ahead and broke out my piggy bank. now there's a baggy on the kitchen table with 250 pennies in it. once i get the rest of my shit out of the apartment on saturday--all that's left are things we need boys for--i'll disclose to them what those pennies are for.

i feel like they really pushed my asshole button and i hate acting that way, but i've been uncomfortable for four months due to my roommate moving in a subletter who's a really inconsiderate bitch. since her arrival, my mail has been fucked with twice. once, my mom sent a hundred bucks cash (i know this is a bad idea and has since been remedied) to cover her cell phone bill. that got stolen. the second time, my mom sent a money order, which never arrived. two weeks later, mom got it back with a return to sender on it. i went out of town to see my mom for memorial day weekend and when i came back, my computer was fried. i knew that someone had been in my room because, in a dick fit after yet another e-mail battle with the roommates, i disconnected the internet before i left. when i came back, the internet was working (the wireless network was setup through my desktop), but my computer wasn't. i realize that plugging a cord into the router wouldn't have hurt the computer, especially if it was off, but no one can prove that there was only one roommate in there while i was gone and that's all she did. i can fix the thing, but it just seemed that a really special kind of logic was required for my roommate to go into my room while i was gone without asking me in a time of tension. she also called the cable company and used my name to talk to tech support. i won't bother pointing out the obvious issue with that.

anyway, i'm tired of bitching. shit sucked and i took care of the problem. ta-da!

more importantly, i wanted to talk a little bit about my memorial day weekend. katie and i rented a car to drive down to north carolina to hang with my mom and brothers. she hadn't seen them since the first time we hung out, back in november when we were just an innocent flirtation and she was still engaged. we actually had a really good time. we went bowling, four-wheeling, played rock band, slept a lot, fixed computers, and took my mom to breakfast. my favorite thing was how little tension there was in the house. usually, there's at least one asshole eruption (mostly from tom) during a visit, but everything went so smoothly. maybe it was because the trip was short, but i really enjoyed it. sadly, i didn't take any pictures. i just didn't feel like it. whatever. i miss my momma.

in closing, my entire body aches from moving all that shit yesterday. oh, and shanghai kate decided that she couldn't commit to doing my half-sleeve coverup of those stupid dying stick figures, but only AFTER she took my money. i have to figure out how to get that back from her. also, i have a psychologist appointment today. it took me weeks to find this woman and it's our first session, so hopefully it goes well.

tra la la, peace out.

permanence.

one of my tattoos is featured on contrariwise.org today. more of my work will be featured tomorrow and friday, too. check it.

on sunday, we went to the nyc tattoo convention at roseland ballroom. it pained us, but we made it through. i took some pictures, too.









katie, troy, and myself are renting a car this weekend to drive to north carolina to see my family. my mom asked me what i wanted for my birthday a couple of weeks ago, and i told her i wanted matching tattoos. she agreed, but even though i've thought about it pretty constantly, she hasn't been able to, so we decided to postpone tattoo time until later in the year. she kept vetoing my ideas, anyway.

next weekend, i have an appointment with shanghai kate, one of the first (if not THE first) female tattoo artists. she worked with sailor jerry and ed hardy. she's fancy. she'll be doing the cover-up of my half-sleeve stick figure massacre. i initially wanted to try and keep some of the figures, but it's not possible, so away they go. i'll just need to take some good photos in the next ten days. it'll be nice to NOT wear my broken heart on my sleeve anymore.

ugh, monday already.

i'm stressed out. i'd forgotten how money woes can throw you out of whack. i'm trying to pay bills on-time, keep the two of us fed--and not solely on cheap, unhealthy foods, but things we enjoy making and eating, save money, and have some leftover for the occasional night out. we went to massachusetts this weekend partially to see katie's family and partially to see amanda palmer's [brilliant] play, with the needle that sings in her heart. it ended up costing around four hundred dollars for various reasons (budget rent-a-car can go fuck themselves), which was not the way it was budgeted. i have yet to take a look at the BANK ACCOUNT CARNAGE.

i got to meet katie's extended family: maternal grandparents, cousins, second cousins. now i've got faces and personalities to go along with the names i've heard. we found out a couple of days before we left that one of said cousins asked what the deal was with katie and i, and guessed correctly that we were dating. while my entire family knows about us and has met katie as my girlfriend, i've met various members of her family here and there as her friend. this is alright with me, mostly because i understand how hard any sort of coming-out is, especially when the person doing the coming-out is a well-established heterosexual. soon after meeting my mother, while still engaged and, obviously, before we ended up together, katie professed her love for the cock very loudly. you see where i'm going here. i can't expect her to just up and affirm her love for me in front of her entire family, especially her parents, with the circumstances as they are. but, as it seems her cousin is wont to do, it felt very much like word had gotten around to the other cousins and i definitely felt like we were under the microscope the entire time. luckily, it wasn't an uncomfortable sort of observation. i feel very at home with her family. they're welcoming. it was actually pretty amusing that i knew that they knew and they knew that i knew and we were all still pretending.

anyway, i generally let my blog entries take whatever direction they will, but my goal for this particular one was to get down the novel feeling of having a partner. i guess i've never really had one before, because i'm somehow surprised at the novelty of the feeling. if i have a problem, she listens and offers solutions. we discuss, we come up with a plan. she is positive, but realistic. one of my favorite things about her is that, even though she comes off as a hard-ass, she's very compassionate and giving. she understands people in a way that's so innate that it puts my psychology degree to shame, that's for sure. what i'm trying to say is that i'm stressed out, but i'm happy.