tattoos, pt. 3/13

this is the first tattoo i ever got.

june 21, 2001. it was my best friend's eighteenth birthday. i was in orlando. i'd just moved there, just left home for the first time eight days before, and was keenly aware of how much i missed her. i remember thinking it odd, calling her to say happy birthday and having imprinted something so permanently into my skin that very day.

i went with my first love, jen, who'd also moved to orlando, though she'd started college a year earlier at the university of miami. we got matching tattoos in our favorite colors and on opposite ankles. it was a spontaneous decision, and at my urging. i don't think jen would ever have gotten a tattoo if i hadn't talked her into it. she was always the quiet one, more reserved, more conservative.

even so, i made her go first. the artist, candi, free-handed a stencil for both of us and then took our money. the house minimum: $40 a piece. when she started on jen, it was so quick--a black outline and filled in with blue ink. me? i was scared. i twitched and she had to go over the outline. consequently, jen's blue heart has a fine black outline, where mine is thick.

people ask me if i regret it, having a matching tattoo with an ex-lover, and i don't. there was a time in my life when i would have dropped anything for her. we spent over three years of our lives playing for the same team, longer than i've spent with anyone else. so, even though things soured, it's hard to point at my ankle and use the word "regret." we're still friends, still care about each other, talk intermittently, and if she needed me, i'd probably be there. i get to see her for the first time in three or four years come thanksgiving.

don't walk away, just stay right here

i swear, new york is the only city in the world constantly prepared for war. i mean, i guess it makes sense, given the hole in the skyline. it is, however, thoroughly unsettling to come across men in SWAT gear with AK47s as i navigate mass transit commuter bullshit at 8am. i mean, it genuinely scares me. like, oh god, why did i choose to live HERE? you really have to be cognizant of how quickly you can lose it all, what a risk it is to be in the center of everything. some mornings, it makes me want to pack my shit and run screaming to the quaintest, quietest southern town. then i remember in cold blood and that little fantasy becomes less comforting. boo.

i went to the dentist after work last night, and my mouth is a disaster. i need to have what's left of my tooth from that botched root canal removed (which will happen on monday--shoot me), eight fillings, scaling (this sounds scary), and my wisdom teeth removed. also, he suggested braces because my bite is off. but my teeth aren't crooked, so fuck that.

after that, i went to see uh huh her and got to meet one of popwreck's new writers. she's awesome. leisha and camila's shoes were awesome. and now, years after the fact, i understand why people love leisha hailey (and alice): she's just so goddamn cute. it isn't an act. have some pictures:








um, yes. hi, hello.

currently

such a long way to go

photo/related updates

1. so, i don't know if i mentioned it, but earlier this month, i shot okkervil river for skyscraper magazine. this means one thing: I WILL FINALLY BE IN PRINT. assuming all goes as planned. due date on the photos is 11/1 and i submitted them last night. they're on the flickr, if you want to see them.

2. secured a photo pass for amanda palmer at the TLA in philly on 11/22. oh, and an interview, too. yes, i'm trying to be calm, cool, reserved about that. OMFG. uh. so, philly peeps: i will be in town that weekend. mark the shit on your calendars, plz. LIZ, THAT MEANS YOU.

3. shooting leisha hailey's (yes, alice from the l word) band, uh huh, her tonight. also doing an interview with them soon. currently negotiating logistics.

4. behind on cmj editing, but pumping them out nonetheless. due date of 11/7 for those and it just occurred to me that i'm out on the 5th, so maybe i should hustle.

5. took a better photo of my cmj badge(s). don't know why i am/was so excited about them, but here:



6. went back and edited some more of kat and joe's wedding photos. here are a couple of those:






uh. i'm inevitably forgetting something, but there's that.

tattoos, pt. 2/13: i'll wait my turn.

i got this tattoo in september, or maybe october of 2004. i was 21. it was my second, and i'd waited three years.

i got it after i'd taken a year off from school, had settled into life in johnson city. kat and i had our little apartment on a hill overlooking the mountains. we had a dog and a bed and a life. i remember wanting to reward myself for taking the initiative, for going back to school. turns out, based on some personal record-keeping, it wasn't so simple.

further research into what i was feeling and thinking at the time reveal that i was suicidal; that i'd started therapy and had been indirectly diagnosed as bipolar, but couldn't get my meds right; that i'd just gotten into two car accidents and had no access to a car and was dependent upon friends to get me (and kat) to school and to work and back again; that i was just picking up a camera for the first time and had gotten my first two gallery shows; that i was proud of myself, but so full of pain that i could barely see straight. i found a locked livejournal entry:

9/15/04 - 1:35 AM - HERE IS SOME OF THE SHIT YOU SAY, IN CASE YOU WANT TO REMEMBER LATER

fat blah ugly blah bitch blah maybe we can put our savings towards that gun blah i hope you die blah at least people like me blah fat blah ugly blah bitch blah maybe we can put our savings towards that gun blah i hope you die blah at least people like me blah fat blah ugly blah bitch blah maybe we can put our savings towards that gun blah i hope you die blah at least people like me blah fat blah ugly blah bitch blah maybe we can put our savings towards that gun blah i hope you die blah at least people like me blah fat blah ugly blah bitch blah maybe we can put our savings towards that gun blah i hope you die blah at least people like me blah fat blah ugly blah bitch blah maybe we can put our savings towards that gun blah i hope you die blah at least people like me blah fat blah ugly blah bitch blah maybe we can put our savings towards that gun blah i hope you die blah at least people like me blah fat blah ugly blah bitch blah maybe we can put our savings towards that gun blah i hope you die blah at least people like me blah fat blah ugly blah bitch blah maybe we can put our savings towards that gun blah i hope you die blah at least people like me blah fat blah ugly blah bitch blah maybe we can put our savings towards that gun blah i hope you die blah at least people like me blah fat blah ugly blah bitch blah maybe we can put our savings towards that gun blah i hope you die blah at least people like me blah fat blah ugly blah bitch blah maybe we can put our savings towards that gun blah i hope you die blah at least people like me blah fat blah ugly blah bitch blah maybe we can put our savings towards that gun blah i hope you die blah at least people like me blah fat blah ugly blah bitch blah maybe we can put our savings towards that gun blah i hope you die blah at least people like me blah fat blah ugly blah bitch blah maybe we can put our savings towards that gun blah i hope you die blah at least people like me blah

ad infinitum.

i don't remember the circumstances, i just know that, looking at it, i had her voice on a loop in my head.

anyway, this guy was supposed to represent hope. maybe a weary sort, but hope, nonetheless. there's the city in the background, the knowledge that there are bigger, better things, that there’s always room to look up. there's a certain resolve there, and one i needed.

but then maybe he and i were doing a bit of foreshadowing. maybe there was something in me that knew that the mountains of tennessee and the keggers and slinging pasta for a tip here and there would never last, that my education and the psychology and the research and the rest of the bullshit could never live up to the draw of the city. that, once i’d experienced it, nothing could keep me from it, whether it was against my better judgment or not.

that guy? he’s determined. he knows what he’s got isn’t what he will have and he can fucking FEEL it.

i wanna explode. watch me.

i am riding this wave of hurt today. the smut on sugarbutch chronicles (a recent and odd addiction) makes me lonely. i heard today that rosie thomas will be touring soon, but she'll be playing christmas songs, and the moment i thought of christmas and what i inevitably have to look forward to in december, i felt it in my gut, tried not to well up.

this time of year is so heavy. heavy with cold and i look forward to scarves, but there's this sense of dread, of the holidays looming over me, and i remember a time when christmas twinkled the way it should, and how i looked forward to it, of my family together. surprisingly, all of my uncles and their families will be present for thanksgiving, even in orlando. it will make me feel more the black sheep. i was looking forward to quiet with my grandparents, like last christmas. quiet and sad, but at least i felt loved and like i belonged. my mother will not be there, not my brothers, not the yelling and the raucous i'm used to, and i will feel their absence the way i feel the hollow in my gut when i'm heartbroken and can't think to put food to my mouth. my skin is hot thinking about it and i just wish i had enough cash to put everyone in one place because this HURTS me. i swear, i'm the only one that feels it. if they do, they don't show it.

other than that, and related to my loneliness (albeit vaguely here in this public space), i am learning to embrace my fears, to overcome them. i am re-wiring my brain to communicate again instead of shutting down and internalizing. somewhere along the line, someone told me that communicating my issues was akin to drama-making and so i fear that confrontation now, even if it is non-threatening and healthy. somewhere along the line (and i remember this was kat-era), i learned to hide behind a computer monitor or a textbox on a telephone and i am afraid of my voice, genuinely afraid to put things on the table in that way, seeking the lag between texts, between IMs to give myself time to think and breathe. one step at a time, baby steps, even, but i will learn to create the boundaries that keep me safe and i will communicate what i want and what i don't want, what is and what is not okay, and i will continue to learn and grow and maybe one day, i'll be able to love again--the right way.


well, that was intense. over and out.

how am i to be with all your silly ways now?

these girls? i love them.

went to see them open up for billy bragg last night. the weather was horrendous and i wasn't on the list when i got there, but the dude let me in anyway. after their set, which i missed half of, i went over to the merch table to wait for them, and when leigh saw me, she squealed, "dezzy!" and gave me the biggest hug. we talked like old friends, had a beer, and watched billy play.

we talked about shitty press people and negativity and i told her about tegan and sara and the lani story. she said, "you give me that girl's number, there's a new twin in town!" she's very warm and funny and SUCH a mommy. she kept touching my soaked hoodie and telling me i needed to get out of those clothes or i was gonna get sick. already was, still am.

then she told me she was going to the bathroom and disappeared! i was all butthurt over it, too. after the show was over, i went to the girl at the merch stand and asked if the ladies would be coming back out so i could say goodbye. she took my name and went backstage. when she came back, the twins were right behind her. they retrieved me and we went back to their dressing room. leigh gave me jameson, but not enough to make me cry. we talked a little more, and i left just in time to catch the last bus back home.

so we hide from the guns on a night reconnaissance!

rundown:

1. my skin looks better than it ever has. my nails are growing.
2. some of my friends are assholes; the rest are awesome. some have been having a tough go of it lately and that shit needs to stop.
3. got my botched birthday tattoo touched up last night and the guy tried to make me pay for it. i was like, "hi, your guy did a shit job on me and you want to charge me to have a different artist fix it? how 'bout no. i'll tip him."
4. last night was NUTS. saw some comedy, a band called whomadewho who wore jester costumes and were amazing, passenger (yes, again), CRYSTAL CASTLES, and my friend aleigh's band, papertrees. i love alice glass (crystal castles) and want to marry her. got to shoot the show from this platform on house stage right. there were photographers EVERYWHERE. it was a free-for-all.
5. met ajt and he coo.

HAVE SOME PICTURES!

the kills - 10/3/08 - music hall of williamsburg





margot and the nuclear so and so's - 10/20/08 - syndicate conflict of interest party


mirah - 10/22/08 - highline ballroom


crystal castles! - 10/23/08 - webster hall








as always, you can find MOAR PICTURES on my flickr! also, i've been twittering a lot. if you're on there, you should follow me.

PS: gothamist is totally using one of my photos for an article on cmj. i win!

PPS: hello from my office! low-fi!

cmj day three

last night was crazy. i didn't get home until 3am.

highlights:
* passenger - stray dog
* theresa andersson - na na na (empty heart)
* mirah - cold cold water

the schedule tonight is a little more open to interpretation. it looks something like this:

6-7: derrick comedy @ the bitter end
930: passenger @ webster hall (studio)
945: crystal castles @ webster hall
1130: papertrees @ the living room

then there are also some showcases and/or parties i want to hit: indaba's showcase @ crash mansion, the brooklynvegan party @ piano's, and whatever leo invited me to at beauty bar. i'm gonna try and not be out until 3am, though.

i was wrecked last night. once i got back to jersey, i hopped in a cab to get me the rest of the way home. i had my hood up and i was in and out and i noticed the cab driver kept looking back at me. i usually make conversation, but i was just too exhausted. just as he pulled up to my house, he said, "you're so beautiful, why do you look so sad?" i was like, "there's nothing sad about me, i'm just exhausted."

oh, this goddamn election.

so, after i registered to vote in new jersey, it occurred to me that my absentee ballot in florida might be more useful on the whole. i did my research and it seems i can still vote there. sent off for an absentee ballot this morning. let's hope it gets here in time. then i don't even have to bother going to the polls.

speaking of which, i'm so proud of my grandparents. i know they've always been lefties, but my grandfather's been called into question a couple of times--mostly because he doesn't really acknowledge that i'm gay. i mean, he will if forced, but it's not his favorite topic. anyway, they both voted no on amendment 2, which is a big deal for unmarried couples (not just us faggots). it says this:

"Inasmuch as marriage is the legal union of only one man and one woman as husband and wife, no other legal union that is treated as marriage or the substantial equivalent thereof shall be valid or recognized."

biggety bam, i love my olds.

and this kiss will be the highlight of my day

i was thinking this morning about how i don't think i ever explained my flux tattoo when i got it and about how it's my favorite right now, probably because it's the most applicable to my life. i was thinking about how taureans are supposed to be stubborn and resistant to change and always thought that change was the last thing i was resistant to, what with my ability to change scenery or mesh with several different groups of friends at the drop of a hat, but then it occurred to me that i am VERY resistant to change when it comes to myself. i appreciate consistency and so i've always made the attempt to be as consistent a human as possible which, admittedly, can be sort of difficult when you are (or have been) the emotional wreck that i've been historically. the point is that i learned that change is okay and that this life is finite (though i do feel infinite a lot of the time) and humans are so fluid and adaptable, that i am allowed to evolve and recreate and build upon myself. i needed a reminder, though. so i got one. i actually really love the text tattoos i have on both of my arms. i think they're very telling. they're good permanent post-its.




anyway, i read post secret religiously on sundays, and recently, frank started blogging on myspace. something happened a couple of weeks ago, which turned into this interesting sociological experiment: text secrets. i've been playing with that a little bit. i like sending a secret out into the ether and receiving one back. i've also been twittering a lot and sending, to chelsea especially, cell photos of what i'm seeing at any given moment. i think it's a fun way to connect with other people. i'm also getting back into low-fi camera technology (prepping to spend a nice chunk of change on toy cameras and get to work) again too, so it makes sense.

i probably haven't talked much about it on here, but the cmj music marathon is this week, so it's just a whirlwind of shows. more than usual, i mean. i'll post my schedule tonight below. what i wanted to say was that i went to pick up my badge last night and it hit me that this is sort of a big deal here in nyc, and here i am shooting directly for them. i mean, my NAME is on the badge, all laminated and pretty. i just remember looking down at it last night and thinking, holy shit, you're really doing this, in a similar vein as how i still stop sometimes and go, "holy shit, i live in new york and i'm MAKING IT it new york. what?" what i'm saying is that, again, i'm grateful and i'm happy and i like that i made this life for myself (with a little help from my friends, of course) instead of continuing to sit around in some brown paneled duplex in johnson city, tennessee with some girl who never treated me right and bitching about how miserable my life is. is good. check my badge!


low-fi!

and here's what my schedule looks like for tonight--keep in mind that these shows are all at different venues, so i may kill myself:

815-855: passenger @ crash mansion
9-940: theresa andersson @ the living room
10-1040: mirah @ highline ballroom
11-1140: wild sweet orange @ the bowery ballroom
12-1240: lady dottie and the diamonds @ kenny's castaways
1-140: pictures and sound @ kenny's castaways

should be noted that i'll probably be late to work tomorrow. lol-worthy.

oh, and here's a recommendation: nate bolling. he's got this song, "the hopes are perfect," and i just love it. in fact, i've loved it for years. go listen. give him love.

it's cold outside, i hate the seasons here

no, i really don't, i just like to use song lyrics in my subject lines. i actually really love the northeast. i fantasized about living up here for years growing up because it's where my family's from and i wanted to understand my origins. and i am such an east coast girl.

anyway, we had our first full-on coat-wearing day on saturday. so ash and i celebrated it by dancing in our undies at the panty party. if you remember the debauchery that happened last time we went to one of these (the week of my birthday), it was pretty equally debaucherous. prior to the event, i'd told everyone i WOULD NOT be participating in the hot body contest. devin's response to this was, "let the alcohol do the talking," and i guess it did because my silly ass was on that stage, let me tell you. no one made me do anything silly like lick my nipple this time, which was a plus. even better, i totally won! not only that, but i won over two ridiculously skinny girls, one of whom was BUCK NAKED (and had a scary vagina). it was a nice little bit of validation that someone with a less "socially acceptable" body type could beat out the others like that, especially when the winner was chosen based on audience applause. so, go g-unit, go! of note: i have about twenty dollars left of the hundred i won. oops. prepare for the photos which will inevitably be plastered all over the internet. thank christ my name won't be attached to any of them.

speaking of which, i'm taking a little bit of a hiatus from my camera. i had to acknowledge last week that i'm just a little burnt out and i'm trying to take better care of myself. said hiatus will end tomorrow, as CMJ starts and it's going to be nonstop music through saturday.

while i've been taking a hiatus from my camera, i have been spending more time with the photobooth app on my macbook. i'm feeling a little bit better about things. learning to love my new haircut, even though a lot of times i feel it's more... coiffed than i'm used to, what with the general disheveled look i have about me. doing an alright job of not biting my nails and my newish skincare regimen is also helping a little. i just need to go shopping real badlike. anyway, here:

hot to trot.

i have more to say, but i'm kind of tired of typing and have cramps, even though i SWEAR i just had my fucking period. whatever. have a scary post secret postcard:


the full text says: "it's only a matter of time."

it's scary, and mostly because i fear it's the truth.

i drew a map of canada with your face sketched on it twice

fall in new york means many things, one of which is this: girls in boots. knee high boots. god, i love it.

a thought i had this morning on the way to work, which i then wrote down in my journal:

it's been eight years since i've identified as a musician--now, just a music enthusiast. i am surprised, then, when i find myself doing something i would've done back then-- breaking down a song into its structural elements and rhythmic patterns, mindlessly conducting with my hands, just as i would have in those days when it was a goal of mine to someday stand in front of a group of musicians and lead them through refrains, dynamic changes--to create music out of thin air.

i'm having some more thoughts, too (shocking). i'm interested in the ways we label ourselves and each other re: gender identity/expression and sexual preferences, but i don't have anything substantial enough to lay out for you just yet.

redux

on friday night, i shot the national at hammerstein ballroom for new york magazine's 40th anniversary party. it was a bit of a nightmare. i told one of the producers to go fuck himself in one of at least four verbal altercations. i understand that they were just trying to do their jobs, but so was i, and that whole event could have been organized in a much better fashion. anyway, because the pit was only accessible via the stage, i got to watch the entirety of the show comfortably right in front of the stage. also, i hadn't realized prior just how MASSIVE hammerstein is and how lucky i am to be able to experience music in the way that i do just because i have a camera and make pretty pictures. here are some of matt berninger, my love:





on saturday, i started drinking at 3pm or so. met up with fellow internet nerds and FINALLY got to meet dan may, whom i love very much.



we puttered hither and thither, one of our destinations being the new banksy exhibit, which was amazing. it's open until halloween and is definitely a must-see. i want to go back.



went to a party later that evening full-well knowing my friend had every intention of setting me up. my response to this involved ignoring the girl i was to be set up with and lavishing my attentions here and there on pretty boys and pretty girls, all of whom were heterosexual and thus, sexually uninteresting, but who had interesting things to say. this, given the state of my clothing (on the floor) upon waking yesterday morning, did not stop me from sleeping with said girl.

two things:
1. i really, really, really miss women. guys are good for getting my kicks with, and they listen when i tell them to get out, but they're just no competition. girls are so soft. and really good kissers.
2. maybe i need to re-evaluate that list i made last week re: NO DATING. does this also mean i am to stop having sex? good question, des.

anyway, once i gathered my clothing and my self, i realized that it was 9am! and i was in brooklyn! on a sunday morning! so i called lauren and we had brunch and meandered and it was a good time, even though my head pounded for the duration.



i picked up the book i'd been eyeballing last week when girl decided she just wanted to be friends. it's called plastic cameras: toying with creativity (punny!), and is effectively rekindling my love for toy cameras, so don't be surprised if i randomly go and blow a hundo on new toys and start posting blurry, heavily saturated, square images and yammering about modifying my holga.

anyway, happy monday! i think i have a fever.

no one's heartsore on a friday

hello, it's friday, which means no more ruminating until at least monday. i hope. i bet you do, too. i mean, i'm glad i can spin some pretty words for you to read, but the hurt is just... well, hurty, and i'd rather not.

it's gonna be a busy weekend, but i'm looking forward to it. tonight, ash is guest bartending at the gael pub and then i'm covering new york magazine's 40th anniversary party. the national is headlining! i can't tell you how thrilled i am about that. they are THE PERFECT soundtrack to fall. also, i love matt berninger. i want to touch his butt. he's very tall. i stood next to him once. tomorrow is the dentist, then this crazy banksy exhibit, then time with mr. dan may (!), then a haunted house, then a party. bloody marys on sunday would be a perfect close to the weekend. oh, and i guess i should do laundry sometime, too. maybe clean my room.

oh, and here's my write-up of monday's tegan and sara show: click!

a sure type thing

oh, i am so easily swayed by my feelings. i have too many of them. i am a feelings rainbow, as meg would say.

now you have two songs attached to you. songs which you don't deserve, not when it comes to the contextual meaning of them, and even as we sat through them in those sweet moments, i squirmed because i know how and when my wires will connect one thing with another, and music is so visceral an experience for me that i can't control that (or haven't learned yet). and that love thing, that word, the way i tip toe, utterly terrified of winding my feelings around the wrong one yet again.

but what a sweet concept! the idea of falling, those first moments getting to know someone, not wanting to say goodbye. makes me feel eighteen again, wandering campus with sara, falling for her even though we both knew better, watching the sun rise in her face, and the way our noses touched that first time--nearly seven years ago now--and the way we did it again five years after the fact, picking up where we left off; that polka dotted dress and her tears in the crook of my neck and the way she flips a coin for everything because she's so indecisive. reminds me of twenty, in tarpon springs with a girl who was not sara and the way we fell in love over sylvia plath, bird calls, road trips, cheap motel rooms in st. augustine, and the longest conversations ever. south carolina, soles stained orange, and risk. god, i love risk. i excel. see above.

makes me wonder, though: is it even possible after a certain point? that openness, vulnerability, lack of scar tissue. the way we allow people elbow deep, ungloved, to sink their fingers into our middles, to hold our hearts in their hands. i worry that there's an expiration date and i've pissed it all away and now i'm just crying over spilt milk.

//

love is the ground note; we cannot do
without it or the sorrow of its changes.

oh, mr. everwine.

oh, don't you think by now...

funny, i made a dermatologist appointment for today last week, like i knew this day was coming. my skin looks BAD. can't wait to get yelled at about that. just made an appointment for the dentist on saturday, too. that should be thrilling. my mouth is a disaster. i'd also like a pedicure. maybe i can work that in then.

i need to sleep more. for real.

also, i finished the bridge across forever yesterday and started american gods (again) today. i have a night off, too. novel! maybe i'll clean my room. and edit, edit, edit. so behind.

i did my budget, too. go clarity.

for when i need a reminder

this is from my personal journal. i think i'm going to need some reminding over time.

i don't care how fucking shallow this seems. if i start bitching and moaning about why no one wants me, remind me. i am constantly working on what i look like inside, so i should be paying a little bit of attention to what i look like outside, too. i'd like them to match. here's what i wrote:

lani called to tell me she just wants to be friends. of course, she says i'm awesome. so awesome that she doesn't want to date me. my first instinct is to throw a tantrum, especially with the way i've been feeling lately. the "s word" HAS been coming up, but i know goddamn well that this is not a life worth squandering.

i'm not cute anymore, i don't put any effort into the way i dress, my hair is thin and unhealthy, and my skin looks like shit. so, as a solution:

1. no fucking dating (until i get my shit together).
2. handle my skin.
3. handle my teeth.
4. handle my hair.
5. stop biting my fucking nails.
6. new clothes.
7. lose weight. 30 lbs would be ideal.

take the advice you used to give to kat and put your money where your mouth is: quit bitching and take action. and forget she ever existed, while you're at it. you are not a victim.

you are strong. you are smart as hell. your intentions are good. you have everything to offer.

eventually, someone is going to figure that out. until then, you've got better things to do.

you don't need girls to entertain you right now. you have no time. you are an artist trying to make a name for yourself. this is your goal and your priority. so shut the fuck up and get to work.

remember what dan may said: love is the feast. bring what you can and understand that others will do the same. love yourself. love your friends. love all the strangers who need it. when you're ready, she will come.

chafe, chafe, chafe

i'm so agitated lately. it's hard for me to concentrate on anything, especially work. my mind is this constant loop of what needs to be done (weeks behind on photos and transcription), what's wrong with me, a list of all the things i long for and neurotic reasons why i can't have them. and i'm tired, to boot. my body is worn and i'm exhausted with the ache of wanting.

that said, i'm so polar. lonely, but don't want to talk. hungry, but don't want to eat. and the one thing i'm sure of--well, it's out of reach. the words in the books and the photos in the viewfinder are keeping me afloat. can i blame this shit on the season change? it just seems a little louder than usual these days.

this feeling is uncomfortable. goes to show: no matter how good things are, there's always something to bitch about.

//

here are some photos from the tegan & sara show:

stars and suns

i don't quite have the right words for what i want to say.

i want to say that the universe surprised me last week, that it surprised me again last night. i found myself in a photo pit with someone i haven't known long, but whom i was immediately comfortable with. after our meandering saturday evening, the energy of us each with our own cameras working in the same space was... this is where i can't find the words. surreal? sure. somehow sweet, too. i just remember looking over at her more than once and thinking, really? am i really experiencing this moment right now? it was such a good, honest, shared experience. i feel alone so regularly lately that it meant a lot.

then there was tegan and sara's set, which was amazing. us in the vip section and me feeling a tad awkward, trying to keep the reigns on my affections, because i do think i like this girl, and sara says, "who here is on a date right now?" it was funny, the way we avoided each other's eyes. i said, "are we on a date?" and she said, "i don't know!" and i said, "well, i don't know, either!" and then, "but i'm pretty sure i'm okay with it being a date." and then a kiss. it was a good show.

afterwards, i interviewed dallas green of city and colour and alexisonfire. i let her sit in, but i booted the pr girl and her friend. i was so nervous, more because of her than because of him. she said i faked it well. then we were in this narrow hallway backstage waiting to say hello to tegan and she kept looking in our direction and then we were talking and i couldn't believe she recognized me. tegan quin knows who i am. what? we said hello to sara too, which was a bit awkward, as we'd never met or connected in any way, but there it was--mission accomplished.

we walked and talked and rode the train together and just as quickly as the night started, it ended, and i guess maybe i was equal parts sad and happy, but hopeful. hope is important.

sometimes (scratch that, most of the time) i don't even believe i lead the life that i do and i'm so thankful and surprised and i know the girl i was two years ago would be so proud.

you lay awake in the night just starin' at the ceiling above

is today a holiday i wasn't aware of? i swear, NO ONE made it to work today. more time to slack off, i guess. anyway, it was a Good Weekend.

friday night was nuts. i don't even think i can adequately describe it. let's just say there was drag queen karaoke involved and move on to the photos:


auto-fellatio. balloon person. no shit.

morgan's a dickhead.



we went to a diner we knew would serve us "juice," also known as stella artois in plastic cups, after hours. our amazing waiter asked nikki for her number, so she wrote this on his hand.

a little jlew?





how 'bout some conor from austin?



the black and white years at the blender rock the vote party in austin:

this band was AWESOME. they're austin-based, but will be in nyc for cmj. if you get the chance, you should check them out.

tegan and sara tonight! vip! omg!

could it be me, could it be you

well, well. i took a cute girl i've been internet friends with to see jenny lewis tonight. jenny was amazing. i had a moment with sarah silverman.

i had little money and knew better, but we went to the closing of my favorite bar. we talked and talked and talked. we walked some. we sat outside of the 72nd st station and talked until the rats scared her off. we went to an irish pub and closed it down with one beer apiece. we rode the train together to port authority. we stood awkwardly and when we hugged, we didn't want to let go. we'd talked so much about how awkward we were as separate entities, how NOT bold. i said, "you know we're ridiculous right now, don't you?" she laughed, agreed. i grabbed her sweater and pulled her closer and kissed her. a couple of sweet, awkward kisses.

that wasn't meant to be a date!

i texted her to let her know i got home safely. when she responded in kind, i said, "let's talk soon, unless, of course, i've made things unnecessarily awkward and you want to punch me." she said, "no punching."

so maybe you'll hear some more about a cute little redheaded photographer with big blue eyes named lani.

bing!

ho snap.

in case you missed the memo plastered all over the internet: i got my hairs cut.




and then after it got late and i let it be for a little while:



bam. i like it, but i'm afraid i won't be able to style it properly when the time comes. guess we'll see. anyway, who wants to make out?

speak slow.

1. my interview with tegan quin is up at popwreck(oning). well, part one is, anyway.
2. black kids!

the infinite wisdom of mr. may:

a very wise man said this in an [amazing] e-mail to me last night:

Love is the feast you put on the table for your guests. Do you get angry when your guests don't eat all of the food? Of course not! You store the food for later (soul has no expiration date, unlike crab dip).

That doesn't mean it doesn't sting when nobody eats the triscuit-anchovy-pepper stacks you prepared for 3 hours and hoped everyone (or at least someone) would devour like a wolverine. When they nibble instead, you try to accept what they give in return, and maybe it's a picnic basket, and maybe it's just a shot glass of strange brew...

But it is what they are willing (and able) to accept and offer in return.

It is HARD, doing this. I am still trying to do it. (And, like anyone, my life is far more complicated than I let on).

Still, it is a learning thing, no?

there is, of course, more, but it's personal and i think that's the greatest part of the lesson to be learned. sometimes i forget how lucky i am to have such wise people in my life, even if the basis is solely textual (for now).

speaking of luck, allyson moved here two days ago. if there was anyone else outside of myself that i could attribute my renewed urge to live (okay, i guess it's no longer shiny at two years old, give or take), it would be her. she rescued me. she picked up my worn, sliced-up, and bloody ass from a hospital in tennessee at 3am, she took me to her home, she made me feel safe. there was a party dying downstairs. she tucked me into her bed, put on her sleepy-time playlist (i will never again listen to "fever dream" and not think of her), and she told me to rest. she's a good, kind person, and i've missed her. i'm glad she's here.

i spilled my iced coffee all over myself on the bus on the way to work. it's cold out, and now i'm a little sneezy and inevitably smell of sour coffee.

i'm cutting my long hair off today. i haven't liked the way i looked in a long time. i'm tired of growing my hair out because other people think it looks cute. sure it does, but it doesn't suit me. i am going to reclaim my skin and my confidence and try to remember that, at my best, i am a force to be reckoned with. fake it until you make it, right?

intentional vagueries

something happened in austin. it took me by surprise, but it shouldn't have. it's been this way since the beginning. i am so easily set spinning by it, since that first moment and every time since. there has never been a question. this is how it is, and thus, i should have foreseen it. i am totally overwhelmed, even though i know better, for whatever reason.

i just can't understand. it could be so good, but there's not enough of this or maybe too much of that or some fear buried somewhere or too much open space in between. i have the questions and i want the answers and i know something about that simple request makes everything impossible.

i know i need to drop it, to set it aside in a safe place and forget. i'm trying.

the problem is that something else happened last night around 4am. i sought a release, i found it in the most predictable of places (and i felt dirty). i remember sitting in the dark with my senses. the heat, the musk, the ache. and i cried. i sobbed. i had music playing so no one could hear, but something broke in me and i realized that this is much, much bigger than i'd thought. so, the next question is: how do i handle this with the least amount of pain possible?