somethin' so sick about this, my misery's so addictive

on the tail of lyrics from the new album, here's a portrait i did of sara quin yesterday. during my lunch break.



i took three shots. this is actually the product of merging two of them. i liked the moody ambiance of the background in flashless shot, but there were too many shadows on her face. i liked the shadows, but in the shots where i used flash, her face looked flawless. best of both worlds, bitches! is that cheating?

//

on a more personal front, i find myself carrying a lot of pain around lately. all of it sits in my chest. always has. that's where i feel things most heavily. it's this pressure that makes me lose my breath, like i've got an elephant perched there. and usually, during the day, i can process that pain in my head. i can rationalize, synthesize, mull it over, look at it from different angles. it's logical, reasonable, and a solution doesn't seem so impossible. but then the clock ticks down to the end of the day, and i find myself closer to bed, and the moment i get there, when everything's still, i feel the elephant there. i cry myself to sleep a lot.

i don't know how to relieve it. it's a problem i can't solve alone. and i feel stunted. like my words are angst-ridden or trite. i don't want to make myself that vulnerable because i can't open myself to something that won't open itself in return. it's hard to open myself at all lately, but feeling closed out of the one place i can be myself... it's lonely, and paralyzing. i think i can write it down, but the words won't come. i try to verbalize and i end up in tears.

i feel like a vibrating ball of pain, and i'm afraid i'm going to lose my shit if something doesn't change soon. last night, i think i may have had a revelation, but there's this fear hurdle i have to jump over first, and we all know how that goes. i guess it's just going to take some more time, but i know i need help, and i've asked, but i swear, no one hears me.