a series of interactions that lead to the loss of a friendship

the following is a series of internet/text-based interactions which lead to the loss of a close friend. excluding the catalyst (which is necessary for providing background) and brief greetings we exchanged in person on 10/31 and 11/11, the text below accounts for the entirety of our communication with one another.

this will be long, and i apologize. if not for the fact that she posted an entry in her blog which completely misrepresents my intentions and takes my words out of context in order to make me look like a jerk (because all of our mutual friends read it), i would have left this in the privacy of my inbox.


the catalyst:

around the end of october, friends mitch and quinn invited me to go see the upright citizens brigade with them.

two dollar PBRs and a shitty guest comedian make for a short attention span and we're in the back giggling at one another. quinn leans over, tells me she has a secret to tell me and that i will think it funny.

she says, "ashleigh put that naked picture of you on a mug and gave it to mitch for his birthday a couple of years ago." key phrase: a couple of years ago.

i say, "which one? the FULL NUDE?"

she nods in affirmation.

the fucked up part is that, at the time when she did it, i didn't LIKE mitch, which is likely why everyone was forced into secrecy about it. the fact that they all went along with it is another issue in itself.

so i text ashleigh, and here is a snippet of that conversation:

me: hey, thanks for putting my tits on a mug.
her: ha! wait, are you just learning this info?
her: you guys should come meet us on LES.
me: um, i am.
her: coming or learning? want me to make you one of mine? or mitchell's?
me: both, because i'm kinda super not happy about it.
her: i'm confused. you are coming and want both mugs? don't be unhappy. want me to get it and destroy?
me: i want mugs of you and mitch's boobs. two mugs. one of each.
her: deal. xoxo.

all the while, she's texting mitch and quinn, berating them for telling me.

it seems to end in an okay place, but i'm still bothered by it. i know that, when i tell my girlfriend, she will be irate. i decide to wait a few days to sort it out on my own, and promise myself that i will address it if i'm still upset then.

five days pass. i know we'll be at the same party on halloween. i decide i should e-mail her.


from Me
to Ashleigh
date Fri, Oct 30, 2009 at 10:56 AM
subject on tits on mugs and universal shittiness

hey:

before i see you tomorrow night, i think i need to let you know how i feel about the whole tits-on-a-mug thing, so that you don't think you've gotten away with a real asshole move, and so that i don't avoid saying anything about it at all because i so fear confrontation that i'd typically let something like that slide so as not to create a stir.

to start, and to be clear, the problem is not that my tits (among other things) are on a mug in mitch's cupboard. it's that you didn't ask. it's that you didn't respect me enough to ask. it's that, just because i showed you something personal which i'm not ashamed of, you took it and did what you wanted with it, thinking that, somehow, it was yours to do what you wanted with because it's on the internet (mind you, it's in a very private place on the internet). it's that you kept it a secret because you KNEW you were wrong in doing it. it's that you conned a group of people who i considered, at the very least, friendly to me, if not my friends, into keeping it a secret with you. it's that they did. it's that you didn't apologize. it's that, while you were trying to make nice without apologizing, you were berating the people i was with, one of whom who imparted the information on me, for doing so, as if they had no right. it's that you won't take responsibility for it.

i get that you were trying to be funny, but you can't disrespect and/or hurt other people for laughs. at least, not your fucking friends. i feel like the butt of a very old joke. i'm hurt. i took my time to think about it, and to let it sink in, and that's how i feel.

this is not an attempt at creating drama, and i'd rather this e-mail stayed between you and me, because it's an issue between you and me. i just need you to know that you hurt me, and that it hurts because i have genuinely tried to be your friend over the past few years.

i don't know if you know it, but you are really fucking hard to be friends with. sure, you're fun. you're funny. you're a good time to be with. but, when it comes down to it, you spend most of your time trying to be an emotional automaton, and that doesn't work out well when you're friends with someone. i know i've seen parts of you that other people haven't, and i appreciate that--but you have to be willing to be that for other people too, and you're not. you're too busy drowning the hurt, and yourself, in jameson. there have been times when i've been vulnerable in your presence, and you've been so closed off to it that it just compounded whatever hurt i was already feeling.

i made the decision a long time ago to just accept you as you are. to accept that you're selfish and controlling, and you don't mind hurting people to get what you need. and even now, while you ARE actually feeling something, while you ARE hurting, you're missing everything else. it seems like you think the sun doesn't shine on anyone but you and the people in a five foot radius of you, and that's not the reality of the thing. you made it very clear a long time ago that i was no longer as awesome as you initially thought me to be because i decided i didn't want to drink my life away, and you made that decision way before katie ever came around.

if i didn't love you for being the person to pick me up and make me feel at home in this city, for really being my first friend here, i would never have made the exceptions i have for you. but i love you, and i guess that's what love does. and the fucked up thing is that i don't make exceptions like that. usually, i walk away.

i've veered off my intended path, but i'm just not sure what i did to deserve to be disrespected like that. and, like i said, i don't intend for this to create an issue. i wanted you to know that i was hurt, and i wanted to give you the opportunity to apologize properly (assuming you're so inclined. if not, then we have other problems, i guess.) so that we can move the fuck on.

i'll see you tomorrow.


xoxo,
des


from Ashleigh
to Me
date Fri, Oct 30, 2009 at 12:23 PM
subject Re: on tits on mugs and universal shittiness

I'm not selfish and controlling and I don't hurt people to get what I want. I think the sun shines on everyone when it's sunny, literally and metaphorically. Also, I don't have any issues with how much you ever drank or how much you drink now that you are with kk, and it's unfortunate that you interpreted anything I've ever said or done to mean that. I'm actually super-happy for you for finding kk and being in love.

Sorry you think all of those things, and again, I'm sorry about the mug.

Sent from my iPhone

--

on wednesday night, we both went to the same event at the museum of modern art. katie and i arrived early, checked out the exhibit, and were hanging out on a couch somewhere when everyone arrived and said hello. ashleigh and tova, a former friend of mine whom i had a falling out with over a year ago, trailed them and, in what seemed very much an orchestrated maneuver, said, "hey, des!" as they passed.

i was infuriated. frustrated. embarrassed.

the curtness of her last e-mail nagged at me, and i found myself on the verge of tears. i couldn't figure out why someone who claimed to care about me wouldn't give me the time of day, wouldn't make en effort to help find a solution. all i wanted was for her to say that she was sorry and mean it. it didn't feel like she'd meant it.

i wanted to leave, but i didn't want it to seem obvious how upset i was. i didn't want anyone else to know there was an issue, either. i was trying to keep it between us, as i'd asked her to do. i downed four glasses of red wine. i may or may not have accidentally cornered quinn about it. she said she felt guilty, and i told her not to, that it wasn't her fault, and she wasn't the one who needed to be taking responsibility for it. she made her escape.

there was nothing else worth noting that evening, aside from some terribly expensive potato pancakes at a diner in midtown.

then last night, as i was taking a break from cleaning our disgusting kitchen, i opened up google reader to see the following entry in ashleigh's blog:


Burning Bridges
November 12th, 2009

Last night I saw a good friend. We didn’t speak to each other at all.

Recently, this friend felt as though I wronged her by means of a joke. I apologized and assured her that I meant no harm. Of course, the latter should go without saying between good friends.

A few days passed and I still felt bad about the situation. Mutual confidants assured me that everything was fine.

And then I got an email from my good friend. “You’re really fucking hard to be friends with,” she wrote. “You spend most of your time trying to be an emotional automaton… You’re too busy drowning the hurt, and yourself, in Jameson… You’re selfish and controlling, and you don’t mind hurting people to get what you need… It seems like you think the sun doesn’t shine on anyone but you and the people in a five foot radius of you”. Assumptions about my opinions of her life were also presented. She told me that she has made exceptions for me, and usually she would just have walked away. She ended the email with love.

The inaccurate description of me by my good friend was only half of what bothered me. No one knows me better than I know myself. I am not selfish and controlling, and I certainly don’t hurt people to get what I need. My needs are fairly simple: food, shelter, friends, good times and bad times (equally inspiring), and an occasional new dress. Never do I recall even being tempted to inflict physical or emotional pain on another to obtain something from the list. I think the sun shines on everyone when it’s sunny, literally and metaphorically.

Furthermore, I don’t know what I have said or done to make her think that I have judgments about her life. As long as my friends are happy, I am happy. If they have a boyfriend/girlfriend that consumes most of their lives, that’s terrific. I am happy when my friends are in love, and I will always be there to comfort them if their heart breaks.

Finally, yes I have problems with my emotions. This is not a unique characteristic. For most, emotions are both hard to show and hard not to show. In my case, it has nothing to do with Jameson consumption. I am living my life the very best I can, and I never take for granted the people around me who support me and love me no matter what. Friendship to me means unconditional love and loyalty.

So, to reiterate, the previous three paragraphs are only a part of what troubled me with this email. My main problem was that it was cruel and unnecessary. Even if these are my weaknesses, I find it hurtful that a good friend would throw them in my face. I am imperfect, and I acknowledge that fact in my head every single day.

But I find it hard to see imperfection in my friends. I see human moments. Everyone can be selfish at times, and everyone can be controlling. Most importantly, everyone can be in need – the person who broke your heart or the friend who made a list of your supposed defects. To give to these people and to love them is not heroic or commendable, it’s humanity at its best.

I’m not sure what this email was intended to do, if not simply to make me feel terrible. (She was hurt by my joke, so maybe this was an eye for an eye?) In any case, I put my self-hatred out there. Please be aware that I love myself just as much, only I don’t often write about it.

I feel there were expectations of a reaction. Expectations can be exhausting to live up to, so I choose to just live. If I unintentionally hurt someone in the process, I will ask for forgiveness. And when someone hurts me, I will use my strength to forgive them without request, as I have here, with my good friend.

Unfortunately, things are not the same now. I find it hard to hug someone who has vilified me. That being said, I still love her and if I ever find her in need, I will not hesitate to help her.

It would pain me to know that anyone else I hold so close to my heart feels this way about me. I hope my friendship is not a burden from which my loved ones long to be relieved.

However, if this is the case and you like to burn bridges, I’ve got plenty of matches. But beware – my bridges are made of stone. My bridges are hard to burn.

--

as i mentioned above, our mutual friends read that. i felt like she'd sidestepped the entire issue, and her skewed perception made the whole thing into something it wasn't. i decided the only appropriate response would be to say what i needed to say in the public space of her blog itself:


before i say anything else, i'm going to include the full text of my original e-mail to you here, because it has become clear that you've both missed its point and created a much larger problem:

[TEXT DELETED BECAUSE IT'S POSTED ABOVE]

and now, in a public forum, so that my words/intentions won't be twisted into anything more (or less) than what they are, i have a few other things to say.

first, thank you for doing exactly what i asked you not to by sharing something personal with the entire world. again. moreover, thank you for only sharing the parts of it which would vilify me, which is an accusation you directed at me in your post above. it seems my effort at finding a solution has resulted in the very drama i was trying to avoid.

ashleigh, you took a photo of my completely naked body without my permission and put it on a mug for mitchell years ago--from what i understand, before quinn even moved here. the fucked up thing is that, if it really WAS that long ago, i didn't even LIKE mitch. so i can see why the whole thing was kept a secret. you knew you were wrong when you did it. but really, how can you say that you don't HURT people if that's the very thing you DID that you WON'T ADMIT TO HERE?

you HURT me. you took MY body and you used it without my consent for your pleasure. is that something you do to someone you consider a friend? i don't think so. regardless of how open i've been with my body in the past, it is MY decision and mine alone to share it or not to share it. this is no small joke, and it's not a laughing matter. you used my body to get a laugh at my expense.

i would like to point out that you did not, in fact, apologize to me until i e-mailed you. i got a very curt response from you the very same day, and it seemed apparent that you'd completely missed the point of my message. you were so focused on the other things i said (and clearly still are) that you couldn't even muster a sincere apology. and even then, it was an afterthought.

regardless, when i saw you at the party the next evening, i said hello and did my best to avoid awkwardness (and failed). funny that you say you find it hard to hug someone who's vilified you. that's how i feel, too.

you wanted to know what my intention was in sending you my original message, and it was to clear up a possible misunderstanding, to let you know that you HURT me. i included some other things near the end because i was upset and because it was how i felt and still feel, things i'd observed over time which i chose not to address until that very moment. i didn't say those things because i wanted to lash out, but because i wanted to be honest and already had an issue i needed to lay out on the table. maybe it was too much at once. i didn't want to hurt you, and i'm sorry that i did, but it almost seems a moot point now.

regarding what you've said/done to make me think you've made judgments about my life, i recall very clearly the night i went to a dive bar with you and mitch after a charlotte martin show (just over a month ago), and as we sat at the bar, beers in hand, and i took photos of you and mitch fooling around, you said, "hey, remember before you were dating katie when you were fun?"

you may not remember it because you were drunk, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen, and intoxication isn't a justification for being an asshole. that statement burned, and not only for the obvious reasons, but because i felt you'd dropped me a long time before that, but i chose not to say anything. i sure did stop getting invited out. occasionally, someone would approach me and say, "hey des, are you doing [insert superfun event here]?" and i would have no idea about it. once that had happened several times, i brought it up to quinn, who quickly dismissed it and told me i was crazy. but it continued to happen, over and over. if someone else would invite me out, i'd go. either way, the entire time i'd sit around berating myself for being hypersensitive because i felt like a party crasher. eventually, i just detached myself anyway because it hurt that i felt like my friends didn't like me and i had no idea what to do about it.

i guess maybe i did stop being fun. i was depressed. i was lonely. i spent most of my first winter here in bed in my room because i couldn't motivate myself to do anything else. and then my dad died, and it opened up a world of hurt for me which i'd never expected because my relationship with my father wasn't exactly the healthiest or most involved. i felt ALONE, and with the exception of tova babysitting me for two days after the fact, i WAS alone. so yeah, i guess i stopped being fun LONG before katie showed up at the beginning of this year. i'm really sorry i stopped being entertaining for you, ashleigh.

i don't really know where to go from here. i was hurt before, and i continue to be so, for various reasons. instead of taking advantage of my genuine attempt to communicate with you, you shoved it aside. then, last night, you and tova (who we all know i've had a falling-out with) orchestrated your little entrance together when, after everyone else had exchanged greetings, the two of you, in unison, chirped, "hi, des!" and walked on, ignoring me for the rest of the evening. i was nearly in tears over it. but you really finished it up right when you decided that writing a passive-aggressive blog about it was acceptable because you knew that i, and all of our mutual friends, would read it. clearly the way to handle a tough situation.

thank you for that. i was honest and genuine with you, and i tried my damndest to repair the problem, but this silence game, this back and forth via various internet-based outlets, is a ball game i don't want to play. my intention was not, and is not, to burn bridges, but i give up. i don't want to lose one of my closest friends over something that would have been remedied with a simple, sincere apology, but which instead got blown way out of proportion. it looks like i don't have a choice, though, and that sucks. if that's not the case, please feel free to let me know.

--

i woke up this morning to the following e-mail.


from Ashleigh
to Me
date Fri, Nov 13, 2009 at 4:56 AM
subject (no subject)

I still love you and you need not post all that on my blog. Sorry you're hurt. I am too. I said I'm sorry. Friendship ruined but I'll always be there for you if you need me. Unfortunate that it went down like this. I wish you nothing but happiness. Don't over analyze and be hateful. The fact that you ever question how much I love you is troublesome. Anything ever said about you and KK was in jest. I like her and I like you. Sorry you took anything so personally.

I truly hope you have happiness.


i guess it's better this way. the friendship has been burdensome in a lot of ways for a long time. i've seen her throw tantrums and stomp on people to get her way, and i have been no exception to that. i've seen exactly one person stand up to her, and he found himself in the exact same position i'm standing in now. i'm extremely guilty of not engaging people emotionally these past couple of years, which makes it tough to cultivate genuine friendships, but i did make the effort with her until it became obvious that my woes fell on deaf ears with her. worse, in the few instances where she needed to be vulnerable, i was there to listen. in any case, these relationships require a mutual back and forth, and i spent way too much time playing by ashleigh's rules. i'll miss her, but i'm not letting her walk on me anymore.