und so weiter

this girl makes me crazy.

when she talks and her voice is low or, there's a certain guttural sound she'll make (usually as a response to a touch or something less-than-innocent whispered in her ear). her hands in my hair, her thumb on my lips before she kisses me, and my entire body crackles. the body electric.

i can't concentrate and i'm so distracted. i can't focus on my work or the words in the book i'm reading, just the shapes the vowels make in her dirty, pretty mouth. sometimes, that's all my eyes even can focus on: the curve of her lips, the subtle indentation of the laugh lines on the left side of her mouth, a wonky tooth or two (and the fake smile she tries to hide them with), the way she smiles when she's not on-guard. i can focus on her heartbeat when my head rests on her chest and her breath when it is slow and later, when it's faster. i can concentrate on her curves with my hands and i can concentrate on her curves with my mouth.

there is little else. we orbit each other in a microcosm of our own design.

it's winter and i'm warm, even when my body is cold. i'm quiet, but the words are on my tongue. i am incubating, becoming again.

i went to miami. some things happened.

we went bar hopping in ft. lauderdale. check me, katie, and lindsay at automatic slim's. please note the juxtaposition of katie's shirt and, well, me.




the next day, we got tattoos. you already saw mine, but just to keep with the theme, here it is again. also, here are some pictures i took of katie during (and after) hers:








everything else was pretty laid back. lots of relaxing, snuggling, tv time, candy eating, smoking, and talking. here's katie with my boyfriend, jerry:




and, to close things out, tell me how adorable we are:





yeah, i win.

i got this.

thanks, adrienne rich. original text: "21 love poems."

a few things:

1. gobama! some random thoughts: the prayer was terrible and so was the poet (over-enunciation, much?). why was obama wearing a red tie? his speech wasn't nearly as inspiring as the one he gave on election night. oh, and watching bush get on that helichopper was just SO fucking gratifying.

2. i am welling up, swelling, overflowing, madly, madly in love. this is ridiculous. you people are going to start hating me soon.

3. a question: how appropriate is it that i'm listening to "since u been gone" right after bush peaced out of the white house forever? I THINK VERY.

lifelike

on friday, i shot the rosebuds show at the bowery ballroom for brooklynvegan. it was my first show in forever. i'm still mad at myself for breaking all my lenses and i've been in hibernation mode, but come tax return time, i'll be back in action full-time. bam. check it:

boo, hiss.

i quit winter. seriously. smack in the middle of the second winter's worth of hibernation, i'm realizing i am definitely a floridian. the idea of doing anything other than hanging out at home lately is revolting. i haven't been to a show in weeks! it's too fucking cold out! anyway, my avoidant behavior has allowed for a lot of girlfriend tv (skype), which i'm totally down with.

anyway, it snowed all crazy on saturday. and then, on sunday, i ran out of diet coke. so i had to brave the cold for a quick trip to the bodega. there were icicles on the oddest things. so i ran upstairs and grabbed my camera. here's what i got out of it:







in other news: i will die if i don't get a manicure immediately. and also: nine days until a katie!

luuucckkkyy!

i've been so quiet of late. quiet for fear that if i started talking, i'd never stop, that the volume of my voice would rise and rise to match the volume of my heart and my ears would never stop ringing.

i didn't know it was possible to forget what falling in love feels like, but i had. i'd forgotten the butterflies and the smiles so wide it hurts and the way you lose time and finding the parts you really only see if you're looking too closely, trying to memorize a person like you'll never see them again, like you might go blind, but if you do, you'll be able to navigate them anyway. i guess it had been five years and memories do fade.

it's really true [for me, anyway] that you never see it coming. after all, i have, in the past several weeks, managed to fall for a girl i hated (as much as any teenager can really hate someone they thought was mean) for thirteen years. someone who's always been around, who went to the same middle and high schools, who knows the same people, who grew up in the same city and got into similar trouble. she is a piece of home, and she's finding a home in my heart too. i have been so burned, though, that i don't think i would have let her in the way i did if i was really looking. she must have found a secret passageway.

i talked to my best friend today, told her the news, tried to enumerate the excitations and hesitations. we talked about how i've been single for so long, how i'd never been single before that, how i worried about the reactions of my newer friends who've never seen me in a relationship and how funny that is because my older friends had never seen me single, how we're trying to do this the right way, how we've learned from our mistakes. she said she was happy for me, which is all i can ask for. i'm happy too. i could burst.

i still have so many things to let out of me, and i'm trying to remember how. i guess it will come back with time.

suffice it to say that i feel nineteen again. when i'm not thinking too hard, i feel like i can believe in love the way i used to and every move isn't made in an attempt to avoid pain. i trust her and i'm not afraid to talk to her and the neurotic girl who's lived in this skin for the past two and a half years is awfully quiet lately. this feels right and good and i am so excited and so lucky to be me right now.

they will see us waving from such great heights

i'm all pretty poems and giggles and longing lately. i'm no good for blogging, i swear. suffice it to say that 2009 is looking really fucking good, i'm happy, and i'll be in miami in 15 days. can't wait for sunshine and kisses. i win.

i am standing on the threshold.

The woman who cherished
her suffering is dead. I am her descendant.
I love the scar-tissue she handed on to me,
but I want to go on from here with you
fighting the temptation to make a career of pain.

          --adrienne rich, "twenty-one love poems"


more to come, indeed.