i'm at a loss.
i spent hours and hours last week making some images that i think are beautiful, and that i'd proudly display with my name on them. come to find out that my "model" is a huge, huge control freak who wants to be airbrushed into oblivion.
let me back up and explain: a month or so back, i received an e-mail from a total stranger explaining that she'd found some of my work, loved it, and thought i'd be a great candidate for a project her friend, rachel fine (whom i've mention) was doing. the project is a cd release show for rachel's album, "own my own." in an effort to be unique, she decided to make it a gallery show. so she found eleven photographers, one for each track on the album, and eleven concepts were drawn up, each a collaboration between the artist and the model.
going in, i was terrified. this is not what i do. i am in no way a conceptual artist, and i do not plan shit. the art in what i do, aside from making pretty pictures, involves a technical knowledge of my gear and of lighting. it involves not getting my gear ruined and avoiding concussions from kicks to the head courtesy of crowd surfers. usually, i have fifteen minutes to get what i need. each decision is made in the split-second. you blink and you lose the shot.
initially, working with rachel was easy. i made my concept a simple, but multi-faceted one. the song is called "potential" and, essentially, it's about a failed relationship, about the potential of said relationship. i envisioned emotional fallout and plenty of what-ifs. i decided it'd look really good in an urban setting. the imagery i sent her as inspiration was a half-frame advance cross-processed holga shot of kat sleeping. the colors were trippy, the composition disorienting. i decided to go with an urban dreamscape feel, and juxtaposed her image with some graffiti in brooklyn which, in a lot of cases, was a literal description of potential. then, in order to further the dream effect (in my case, there's a lot of fear in my dreams, which is what i was going for), i had her climbing shit, running from shit, and hanging from shit.
i worried about re-creating the trippy holga effect digitally, since i'm generally a purist: i realize that these are the days of photoshop, when everything is manipulated, but i try and keep it to a minimum. i understand that the premise of the shoot was manipulation, or the potential of a raw shot and what it could become, but i don't believe in airbrushing, and i'm being asked to make arms thinner. there's even a photo (below) where rachel is 'sleeping' on her couch. she thinks her ass is too big, so she's requested that i photoshop in a pillow. it's insane. the whole thing pushed my boundaries, but not in good ways. i compose my shots in-camera and avoid cropping at all costs. due to the uniform 11x14 print aspect ratio, i was forced to shoot a little wider than i normally would because i would have to crop later.
the thing is this: there's a line when what you're doing is no longer photography. it's a line i'm not willing to cross. i don't work in advertising and i'm not making any money off of this. in fact, i'm putting out money. but here i am being asked to put my name on imagery i find subpar in order to quell someone's insecurities.
my best friend says i'm being an "anal retentive, conviction-toting artist," but that's just it: this is challenging all of my convictions about what i do now and what i want to do in the future. i don't want to put my name on something i'm not proud of. i could look at it from a vendor/client point of view, but since there's no money involved, there's not even THAT particular incentive to sell out on my beliefs about art. i haven't had a gallery show in five years. this whole thing could be about her, but if it's the first time my name's been on anything hanging in that long, why would i display shitty art where rachel feels her arms are a little skinnier instead of the optimal image? if she was nitpicking about one thing, it would be fine, but i've sent her EIGHT mockups (mind you, my display would consist of ten images), all of which she's shot down for one reason or another. i understand that this is a collaborative effort, but the collaboration stops when you stop posing for my camera.
fuck that. i was in tears over the shit last night, and i left her with the option to take it or to leave it. i guess i'll find out today. for your perusal, here are some of the images i sent her, along with the reasons why they're not okay. mind you, they're all either raw or in very early stages of editing:
in the image of her on the left, her stomach is protruding. something needs editing on the right side too, apparently.
her ass is too big.
she just liked a different one from this set better. something that was less evocative, and where she's directly engaging the camera, which i asked her not to do.
this is her favorite from this set. again, it is not the best from the set, but i compromised. either way, her socks need to be photoshopped to be less visible.
she looks like a cartoon.
